


SPN Coda 15x15 - Gimme Shelter

by heylittleangel



Series: Supernatural Codas - Season 15 [16]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coda, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s15e15 Gimme Shelter, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but its there, spn coda, the angst isnt very heavy, you can consider established destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27433738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylittleangel/pseuds/heylittleangel
Summary: walks slowly, hands over her headYes, I know and I'm so sorry. This coda is late juststares at calendarthree weeks. But this one was so hard to write and it took me so much brain power to actually finish it, and I didn't think I was going to. I hope it was good though and it wasn't very angsty, which is more than I can say for the restgrimacesI hope you enjoy it nonetheless and thank youPolls for listening to me and betaing this coda for me. You're amazing ❤❤
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Codas - Season 15 [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1513883
Kudos: 15





	SPN Coda 15x15 - Gimme Shelter

**Author's Note:**

> _walks slowly, hands over her head_ Yes, I know and I'm so sorry. This coda is late just _stares at calendar_ three weeks. But this one was so hard to write and it took me so much brain power to actually finish it, and I didn't think I was going to. I hope it was good though and it wasn't very angsty, which is more than I can say for the rest _grimaces_
> 
> I hope you enjoy it nonetheless and thank you Polls for listening to me and betaing this coda for me. You're amazing ❤❤

“I thought you had stopped drinking.” Castiel says, watching as Dean slowly lowers the bourbon bottle, placing it silently on the table and turning to face Castiel.

“And I thought you had stopped sneaking out in the middle of the night.”

Castiel sighs, dragging himself to one of the chairs and sitting on it—he knows it’ll be a long conversation. “I wasn’t sneaking out.”

“No, you were just leaving in the middle of the night without telling us.” Dean is sitting on the chair by Castiel’s side, the bottle between them but still unopened. “Where were you going?”

“Nowhere.”

“Bullshit, Cas.” Dean’s eyes burn on Castiel’s skin, even when he doesn’t raise his gaze from the table. “C’mon, man, I thought we had agreed: no more secrets, no more lying, not anymore.” The words hurt more than Castiel thought they would but he keeps quiet. Dean’s hand inches closer to his, the palm turned up invitingly, and Castiel interlaces their fingers. His voice is soft when he speaks, “Tell me.”

A heavy sigh leaves Castiel’s lips when he finally looks up and meets Dean’s stare. “How did it go with Amara?” Because it’s easier to answer with a question than to tell the truth.

Castiel sees in Dean’s eyes how much he wants to press on the subject and get Castiel to tell him the truth, but he resigns and simply answers, “I think she may be on our side but… I wouldn’t say it went good.”

The pain and the strain in all of Dean’s body language isn’t hard to miss: his hand is squeezing Castiel’s tightly, his voice is hard but bitter, shoulders tensed, and eyes staring down. Castiel’s thumb caress Dean’s skin lovingly, trying to come up with something to say.

He asks, “What happened?” because it’s easier than anything else.

The silence stretches between them for a few more minutes, Dean seeming to struggle to form words. Castiel watches him, watches the way Dean seems to squirm inside his own body, lips tightened in a thin line.

But, still, this is easier for Castiel than to have them be estranged; easier than to tell Dean the truth about Billie’s plan, about how Jack is going to die if they don’t find another way, about how Castiel himself may die by the Empty’s hands if he gets the slightest feeling of happiness—which this, right here, is almost enough for Castiel to feel happy. And Castiel can’t think about any of that, not about having to see Jack die again or be ripped from his life if he lets himself be happy just for being with Dean.

And he knows he should tell them, that Dean and Sam deserve to know, but something stops him, the same protective instinct that constantly stops him from telling Dean about his deal with the Empty—if only the cosmic entity were like Rowena — stopped making pacts and let go of the ones that are still up… 

Castiel snaps out of his trail of thoughts when Dean clears his throat and breaks the silence, “I asked Amara why she… why she brought Mom back, what she had expected from it.”

It’s easy to see how much that affects Dean, how much it hurts him. Castiel doesn’t know what to say to Dean, so he just squeezes his hand and tries to give him a comforting smile. “What did she say?”

Dean scoffs, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “She said she intended for it to make me let go of the ‘myth’ I created about my mom, make me see that she was actually better than that because she was _alive_ ,” Dean’s voice breaks with a sob. 

Castiel wants to reach out, wants to comfort Dean, but he knows there’s little he or anyone can do to make him feel better. And, as softness was never Castiel’s thing, he asks the hard question, “Was it?” Dean slightly turns his head to stare at him, the question written in his eyes. “Was having your mother and meeting the real her better than the myth you had created about her? Better than whatever memories you had ofher?”

A shadow of shame obscures Dean’s eyes and he stays quiet for a few seconds. Finally, he shakes his head. “As much as it hurt to say it, no, it wasn’t completely better. ‘Course having her alive was better but…” he hesitates, voice growing weaker. “She wasn’t the person I thought she was. Or, maybe, she just wasn’t the _mother_ _I_ wanted her to be.” Dean sighs, his fingers tracing random patterns on Castiel’s hand.

“She also said she hoped it would ‘release me from my anger’, whatever the hell that means. Still, she seemed so… sincere. Like she really believed what she said, like she really believed she was helping me.” Dean laughs humorlessly. “I can’t even get angry at her, anymore.”

“Well,” Castiel starts after a few seconds, “We’ve all done things we believed were good that didn’t end up great.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Dean looks down with a heavy sigh.

Castiel isn't sure what more to do so just he stands up and walks to Dean side, puts his arms around him. He lets Dean sink into their embrace, lets Dean melt against Castiel's chest because he knows Dean needs it, that there isn't much else Castiel can do but offer comfort. 

He loses track of time, running his hands up and down Dean's back, trying to soothe some of his tension away. It’s not hard to notice that there’s something else Dean wants to say because it hangs heavy on the air around them, suffocating Castiel and seeming to do the same to Dean. Still, Castiel doesn’t want to force Dean to say anything, doesn’t want to make Dean feel even worse or more uncomfortable.

Even when his feet start to hurt, Castiel doesn’t move, his hands slowly stopping on Dean’s lower back, hugging him tighter. Dean sighs softly on his ear, squeezing Castiel’s shoulders before pushing away gently. They stare at each other, Dean taking Castiel’s hands in his to rub his thumbs on them.

“There’s more,” Dean says after a while, voice hoarse. “Amara was… distressed, anxious about betraying Chuck and she didn’t want to do it. She asked if she could trust me and I lied.” Dean closes his eyes with a heavy breath out. “Or I _think_ I lied to her.”

Castiel tilts his head, not sure if he understands what Dean is saying. “What do you mean?”

“I… I know we have to kill her if we kill Chuck to keep the balance, but… I don’t think I can hurt her, Cas. Or let someone else hurt her. Not even if I want to.”

The pain in Dean’s voice cuts through Castiel’s heart, the sincerity of his confession a heavy weight on Dean’s shoulders, and Castiel interlaces his fingers with Dean’s, trying to offer what little comfort he can because there’s not much else he can do. Just being there for Dean, while he can, has to be enough for now.

**Author's Note:**

> So, did you like it? Let a comment and a kudo and make this writer very happy!
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr


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